Happiness... or not

It is sunny outside and let me tell you I L-O-V-E it.

Not just because it's another day without rain, but when you look outside and the sun is shinning. It's just plain beautiful. And heck even if I'm wrong, I think that something beautiful and special makes you want things, wish new things and more importantly makes you want to do things...

For me outside represents freedom (because all my life I was taught that stay home = you're safe and will never get hurt). But hell! what if I want to go outside? what if I want to feel how it is out there? what if I want to expirience the bad things? what if I want to get hurt?

Because as far as I am concerned you can only learn how to do things right when you make mistakes. Well the mistakes I made are all safe mistakes, the ones that are just silly and plain childish.

I hate the way my mom raised me, she always thought that raising a child was to feed it, put the clothes on, go to school and keep it safe, so it wouldn't die and all the feeding and schooling wasn't for nothing.

My mom never taught me to appretiate things in life, to look inside not outside. She never taught me how to protect myself, how to survive in the outside world.

And I ask myself, how the hell am I going to go through the day when I'm older, if I can't even be responsible now? How the hell am going to be something, when all she taught me was to stay inside never leave and you'll be safe?

                                                  GOD!!!!

My biggest fear isn't to die, or to be raped or murdered. My biggest fear is to end up alone and all because I couldn't step outside and enjoy, along with everyone else, the nice weather...

I don't know if I should be mad at my mom or not, but for now all I feel is confused, upset, depressed and the last thing I wanted to feel....

 LONELY.