Friday, November 16, 2012

Coisas que não dá pra escrever numa mensagem



Será sempre impossível mostrar todos os meus sentimentos a você quando não pessoalmente. Dizer que te amo muito é uma coisa, dizer que te amo muito olhando nos seus olhos, vendo o seu sorriso e te dar um beijo em seguida é algo totalmente diferente. Nunca conseguirei mostrar todo o meu sarcasmo (talvez nenhum) entre pixeis na minha tela, muito menos na ponta de meu lápis. Mas se há uma coisa que adoro em pelo menos ter todas essas maquinas, é que posso rever alguns maravilhosos momentos que tivemos juntos, mas, ainda melhor do que isso, é lembrar de todos eles com um grande sorriso no rosto. Ninguém nunca entenderá por completo tudo o que quero dizer aqui, pois, além de muitos não compartilharem do meu cotidiano, está também é uma mensagem. Das coisas que mais sinto falta das quais não posso dizer por mensagem, não é um "eu te amo", e sim, "Vem aqui e me abraça "... Posso escrever um texto Homérico exaltando o quão linda és ou o quanto te amo, ou detalhar Tolkenianamente uma "aventura" Hercúlea que tive hoje, nunca será suficientemente grande perto do que gosto de fazer pessoalmente. A desvantagem de podermos nos comunicar mesmo a distâncias colossais, é que mensagens nunca podem dizer o "indizível", nem mesmo as mensagens de voz, afinal, não é a sua voz que está ali, não totalmente sua, mesmo com todos os sinais limpos e perfeitos, não existem meios de mandar perfume por e-mail ...


This is what my boyfriend wrote for me *-*

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Dealing with loss

It's been a while... I didn't had the guts to talk about it... Didn't know if it would do any good. But here I am.

Almost a year ago, my mom got sick with meningites, after the first few weeks of the latent stage the doctors took out the sedatives because se was already out of danger, but what did they find out? That she wouldn't wake uo from the coma. I tried to keep going you know, hoping every single day that she would someday, somehow wake up. I tried to be good, so she would be proud of her daughter. And the worst part was, I couldn't even see her. She was in coma in a another counrty, another continent, the other side of the Athlantic. The last time I sw her, there was a promess ad the airport that soon we'd be all together, me her and my two younger brothers. But we never did. And I never saw her again...

Seven months, that's how much time, she was in that way. That's how much time, I kept hoping, suffering... And finally her heart gave up... And... Oh- this is actually so hard. And then she died...

When I got the news it was about 3 a.m. here... My aunt whom I live with was screaming like crazy telling my grandma that was with my mom, to calm down. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't, it couldn't be real. My mommy, my dear dear mommy, dead. Never to speak, smile, hug me, yell at me, talk to me, cry with me be proud of me. Dead. Just simply gone. I was frozen... I didn't cry at the time, not at all. I just stared blankly at nothing and thought about my brothers... No, that's a lie, I didn't want to think about them, not right now. It would have to be me to give them the news, me... So I didn't think about that. So all I thought about was my boyfriend. He was the only one who would give me a real hug and confort me, the others around me just pity fake hugs. So I didn't want them. I wanted him, to comfort me.

My cousin was with me at the time, she kept looking at me saying "Shouldn't you be crying? It's your mom who died. You should be screaming, I don't know something." And I just stayed silent. I went to the bathroom because I couldn't endure her stare, and there I started to think about my brothers. Think of everything...

Oh my mom died so young....

She died 10 days before she turned 40...

She had so many hopes and dreams, for herself, for all of us.



My dear mommy....




I can't do this anymore, maybe later... someday.