I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
I'm going back to Portugal.
After ten long years I am going back. I am moving back home. This time to stay. For good.
I can't even begin to talk about how all of that feels to me. Because it's actually happening, I'm going. It's here.
I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that it's actually gonna happen. I am scared that if I keep saying it's gonna happen it's not gonna come true. But I deserve this so hard. I have been working to hard, both to save money and on myself so I can live a fuller happier life.
But here it goes an attempt to assimilate my feelings.
I am joyful.
I feel like a cycle is finally coming to an end, for real this time, and a new one is beginning. I feel that emotionally I have gotten the closure that I needed about living there. I think for the past two years it's been like this.
If anyone has had time to read what I used to post, in 2014 I went there. Almost a year and a hafl later after my mom had died. And all I felt there was emptiness, dispair and that it did not make sense to stay there and that I had lost everything I had gained while there. It didn't even cross my mind to just stay there and that's it. I could have, I already was a grown up. I could have gotten a job and just stayed there. And I could even have provided for my brothers and given them a better life. But back then I was young and thought my destiny was something else. So yeah I guess I can forgive the me from back then. The me form back then did not know how things would turn out. She didn't know she's be fine. And even though there was all this suffering the me who chose to come back endured, I wouldn't have lived a different life. Maybe I would have been gentler with myself, and not ignore myself so bad.
So how I feel now about going back is completely different from when I did go back there. When I went I was hoping to find my mom, a home, my best friend. They were all gone. And now I know I am not gonna find here there. But I do know that somehow I will feel closer to her. And I'll have my home again, it's there waiting for me. But I also know that I've made the commitment to build a home for myself. My best friend is there, and now she is my girlfriend. So yeah I think I have come to terms with what that place, what that city, what that country means to me.
Now about travelling. I am in a middle of a global pandemic and so to travel it is really hard. Every 15 days travelling restrictions change and borders either open or close. I made the decision to buy the plane ticket because I have the money so, what am I waiting for? BUT.... with that... it is a decision that gives me a great deal of anxiety. I am afraid that the boarders will close, that the ticked has to be canceled and that my money will just be wasted. And that's it. I don't even know what I'd do. I mean I do have a back up plan which is to go to my grandma's house. But it would hurt a whole fucking lot. Life would be on pause for me. So there's that fear, and then the one of immigration for some wild reason doesn't let me in. So that fear. The fear that leaves me in a limbo. I wake up everyday with this in the back of my mind, or somedays it's livid in the forefront of my brain, and all I can do is waste away my 'me time' by researching as a way of selfsoothing myself and psyching myself out of that. But I don't even know if that's something good. Give in or ignore it. I don't know which one is gonna affect me more. Will only be at ease when I'm actually there.
And once I get there... So many stuff to deal with.
Maybe another day I will talk about my fears of when I actually arrive there. For now this is what I can wrap my head around.
I want time to pass already so that it's less days feeling like this. 5 days until I can move back to my brother's and sort out my stuff I'm gonna donate before I travel.
